This is a post I’ve been thinking about making since way back when John Scalzi posted “Straight White Male: the Lowest Difficulty Setting There Is” (a little over two years ago, I now realize. Wow.) He wrote a follow-up article to that, in which he answered a number of frequently-asked questions. The last question & answer in that follow-up was this:

12. You wrote the article and pointed out the straight white men live life on the lowest difficulty setting. Okay, fine. What do I/we do next?

Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it? What I’m doing is pointing out a thing. What you do with that thing is your decision.

That said, here’s what I do: recognize it, and work to make it so the more difficult settings in life becomes closer to the one I get to run through life on — by making those less difficult, mind you, not making mine more so.

I’ve spent time on and off ever since then thinking about more specific answers to this question.

I’m thinking about it again in the wake of the UCSB shootings. I watched Elliot Rodger’s final video about the “Day of Retribution”, and I read his entire 140-page manifesto. (I’m not linking them, and if you choose to watch and read them, be aware that the content includes hate speech, misogyny, and graphic descriptions of torture.)

His motivation for killing both women and men was misogyny. He explicitly states that he wants to kill women for not giving him sex, and men for getting to have sex with women when he “deserved it more.” He states this over and over. Yet there are still people trying to claim he’s “just one crazy guy.” It’s “just one isolated incident”. Or that he just hated all humanity.

(There was definitely racism and classism in his motivations as well. But the overwhelming, driving force here was misogyny-- his hatred of women.)

The #YesAllWomen hashtag on Twitter was created in response. The misogynistic violence of Elliot Rodger was not an isolated incident. Another such incident happened in Stockton literally within hours of the UCSB incident. Another happened just a month ago. Do some google searching. Male violence motivated by hatred of women is a regular occurrence.

Not all men menace women. But all women have been menaced by men. It really is that simple.

“So what am I supposed to do about it?”

I’ve seen this question phrased in various ways, from the sarcastic “yeah? so what?” to the genuine “I don’t know how to help.”

Here are my thoughts. I think they apply not only to sexism and misogyny, but to racism, transphobia, homophobia, and ableism. So even if I don’t say so every time, please understand that I’m referring to all oppressed groups here.

1.  LISTEN.  Listen to people when they’re talking about their own lived experiences. You might feel like you’re being told “just shut up.” What you’re really being told, asked, begged to do is “shut up and listen.”

This means not dismissing a woman’s concerns about her safety as silly or overreacting. It means not dismissing someone’s objection to a racist remark as “too sensitive” or “but it was just that one racist guy.”  It means not dismissing, period. Our tendency-- all of us-- is to assume that if we don’t see it, it doesn’t really happen, or it’s really rare. (Just today I had a man on Twitter telling me that because he’s never heard anyone joke about rape, it must not be that common.)

The first time I read women of color talking about white women always wanting to touch their hair, like they’re some exotic pet or something, I was shocked. I was like who the hell even does that. I’d absolutely never heard of it before. And yet, it happens to women of color all the goddamn time. I didn’t go “oh, it was probably just that one weirdo,” even though I’d never heard of it before.  Because they know their own experiences better than I do.

Listening also means thinking about what you’re hearing. Think about how many women are saying these things happen to them. Think about what it would be like to have them happen to you daily. Most importantly, think about your own behavior. Which leads me to...

2. Don’t get defensive.  So many men interrupt women’s conversations about their own experiences with “but NOT ALL MEN…!”  So many white people interrupt POC conversations about their own experiences with “but NOT ALL WHITE PEOPLE…!”

Look, if you have genuinely NEVER done the harmful thing they’re talking about, then you don’t need to get defensive, because it’s not about you. And if you ever have done the thing they’re talking about, then you should stop talking and think about how to make sure you stop doing that thing.

To go back to my example above, I’ve never asked a black woman if I could touch her hair. It’s a gross, rude, othering thing to do. I also did not go “hey hey *I* never did that!” in the mentions of the WOC that were talking about it on Twitter. What would be my point? Why should they care? They still have to deal with white women who do.  My “LOOK AT ME I’M A DECENT HUMAN BEING” doesn’t help them. It doesn’t make them feel better. It doesn’t change their experience in any way, except that now I’m making their conversation about me. (And I’m also implicitly asking for praise just for being a decent human being.)

It’s uncomfortable to hear about a harmful behavior and ask yourself, “wait, do I do this? Have I ever done this?” Defensiveness is a common knee-jerk reaction to avoid feeling that discomfort. But that discomfort is important. Stop a minute and let it do its job.

If you are one of the not all men or not all white people or not all cis people or what have you, that is absolutely awesome. I’m not being sarcastic here. If you would never dream of doing the harmful things you see being discussed, I’m really glad. Unfortunately, when people are talking about their experience of the harmful thing, it is not the time to say so.

3.  WITHHOLD YOUR APPROVAL OF HARMFUL BEHAVIORS.  So the first two things didn’t feel very active, did they? Here’s some ACTION you can take!

Men: if you’re in a group of other men, and one of them makes a sexist remark-- rape joke, sexist joke, catcalling women on the street, the kind of thing that as a good guy you’d never do-- don’t give your approval. This means don’t laugh, don’t smile, and also don’t be silent. Say something. “Hey man, that’s not cool.” “That’s not funny.” Something to explicitly show that it’s not okay.

White people: same deal. Racist jokes among co-workers? Slurs used in casual conversation? “Don’t say that, it’s racist.”

"Why does it matter? It’s just a joke, right?" Wrong.

Sexism, racism and the rest aren’t about hurt feelings. They are about big pictures. Overarching cultural and social systems that are in place to benefit certain groups at the expense of others. There’s a ton of evidence out there. Wage differences for the same jobs for women vs. men, for white people vs. POC, for cis people vs. trans people. Incarceration rates for drug crimes (mostly black) vs. actual rates of drug use (mostly white). Start googling and keep going until you can’t handle it anymore.

But it isn’t like there’s one old white guy out there controlling it all, one board of directors we can fire and be done with it. Huge systems aren’t controlled like that. Huge systems are made up of people. Individuals. How many are we on this planet by now? Seven billion I think?

I don’t know about you, but the best answer I’ve got is that to change the system you have to change the minds of the people it’s comprised of. Sometimes that means one mind at a time. Not all of them, alas, but enough of them to tip the balance, enough of them to have a majority of people saying this is wrong, this is not the way it should be. Enough to take control of the system and change it.

And things like jokes and casual catcalling normalize the attitudes that keep the system in place. They normalize the status quo. They say it’s okay to keep thinking of the group being joked about as other-- or to just keep on not thinking of the group at all. Erasure helps keep the system in place too.

Worse, they tell the people who are racist, or sexist, or violent, that it’s okay. One example: actual surveys have shown that men who admit to forcing women to have sex when they didn’t want to (a surprising number of men will admit to this as long as the word “rape” isn’t used) believe that it’s a normal thing that all men do. They don’t know you’re laughing because it’s “just a joke.” They genuinely believe you’re laughing because you do it too.

Fan pages for Elliot Rodger existed within hours of the news breaking. Go and look at the number of commenters who cheer him on for what he did, if you can stomach it. It’s not just a joke.

Don’t join in. And don’t give your silent approval. Speak up.

4.  Use your privilege for good.

Look, women have been speaking out about these things for decades, and the men who need to hear it aren’t listening. Sad but true: men are more likely to listen to other men.  White people, cis people, straight people, able-bodied people, the same applies. You have pull here. Talk about these things.

Some people have a certain amount of privilege. I have some, as a white woman. Nobody’s asking me to apologize for being white or for having white privilege. But one of the things I can do with that privilege is this: I can engage with other white people about issues of racism. POC have to deal with racism every goddamn day and I can’t even imagine how exhausting that is. While it’s appalling that a white person might listen more to me than to a woman of color, I can still lend my voice. I can’t speak for POC, nor should I ever try to. But I can say “that’s not okay” when someone makes a racist comment. I can call out cultural appropriation when I see it. I can say “you should listen to this POC/you should read what they have written.”

I can also remind people that saying or doing a racist thing doesn’t make YOU a racist; it makes you a person who made a mistake that needs fixing. Hey, I’ve made mistakes too! From racist assumptions about athletes, to wearing bindi, to being ignorant of words like “g*psy” and “tr*nny”. I wasn’t always good at listening, either. It took me a while. And it took some people in my life who were willing to talk about it and keep talking.

There are lots of other ways to put your privilege to good use. Voting for measures that move us toward equality. Voting for politicians whose policies don’t disproportionately disadvantage oppressed groups. Teaching your children, if you have children or are a teacher, clergyman, or other authority figure-- all children, not just the girls-- about consent, bodily autonomy, and fairness. Teaching open-mindedness and compassion and empathy. (Empathy can be and needs to be taught.)  Speaking out to your administrator or PTA against sexist dress codes in your school. Writing to your Congresspeople about reproductive rights, racist sentencing laws, poor ADA compliance. Going to movies and reading books and comics that feature women, POC, queer, disabled, and/or trans people as major characters; using your dollars to let media creators know that diversity can and will sell.  You take it from here. Use your imagination.

I confess that my first introduction to Spider-Man was via The Electric Company, but I still feel I’m geek enough that yeah, I’m gonna go there: remember “with great power comes great responsibility?”

How about we use our privilege with some responsibility too?

That’s my answer. That’s what you can do about it.

TL;DR: use your privilege for good.